One Idea: The Hidden Confidence Gap
I see this often during 360-feedback debriefs.
There can be a significant gap between how leaders experience themselves internally and how others perceive them from the outside.
To others, they may appear calm, collected and focused on getting things done.
Internally, however, the chatter can sound very different:
I cannot fail at this.
I cannot let anyone see how stressed I am.
Maybe I don't have what it takes.
I need to prove that I deserve this position.
I have to get this right.
That internal pressure can have very real consequences.
A leader regularly skips lunch because they need to handle one more emergency. They sit at their desk for hours without taking a break. They postpone drinking water because taking care of themselves feels less important than getting the job done.
If leaders' bodies could speak, some would probably be filing formal complaints: "She didn't even give me water today!"
The fear of being judged or seen as incapable can also lead us to wear a mask around our colleagues, leaders and even the people closest to us.
The mask may protect us from judgment, but it can also make us less accessible. People may sense the distance even when they cannot explain it. Over time, that distance can affect trust, psychological safety, collaboration and performance.
This is one way the inner critic interferes with our wellbeing and leadership.
It tells us:
You're still not good enough.
Other people are more capable.
You cannot let anyone discover your flaws.
Rest can wait. You have something to prove.
Confidence is not the absence of this inner chatter. Confidence is the ability to hear it without allowing it to run the meeting.
This week's practice: Three Courage Reps
This week, I invite you to strengthen your ability to act even when your inner critic has opinions. And let's be honest, it usually has plenty.
1. Notice the pressure
Think of at least one recurring thought that creates unnecessary pressure for you.
It might be a thought that causes you to postpone food, water or rest. It may appear when you consider applying for a new opportunity, asking for support or speaking up during a meeting.
What is your inner critic telling you that you must do, avoid or hide?
2. Regulate your system
Before trying to argue with the thoughts, reconnect with your body.
Take a slow breath.
Rub your palms together for a few seconds. Pay attention to every ridge and every change in temperature or texture.
Give your nervous system a moment to come out of threat mode. You do not need to solve everything while your internal alarm is ringing.
3. Take one 5–10% courage action
Identify one small action that challenges what your inner critic wants you to do.
Perhaps you have been hiding how stressed you feel. Think of someone who is about 10% outside your comfort zone and say:
“This has been difficult for me. Could you be a sounding board while I think it through?”
Your courage action could also be:
- Speaking up once during a meeting
- Asking for help
- Taking a proper lunch break
- Submitting the application
- Sharing an idea before it feels perfect
- Having a conversation you have been postponing
The goal is not to take an enormous leap.
It is to complete one intentional courage rep.
My Courage Rep
Because I am doing my own practice too, I am committing to an action that is about 10% outside my comfort zone.
I have been procrastinating on posting regularly on LinkedIn.
At first, my inner voice said:
“You don’t have the time or bandwidth to post right now.”
Then, when I finally sat down to write something, another voice appeared:
“This isn’t very well written. Nobody is going to care anyway. Why bother?”
I realized that this was not only about time and energy.
Part of me is still uncomfortable with being seen.
And that part of me can produce many intelligent and highly convincing reasons why I do not need to be visible. She could probably prepare a PowerPoint presentation about it.
There are many ways to work with that voice. But this week’s practice is about taking action even when the inner chatter disagrees.
So, by the end of this week, I will post on LinkedIn.
Your turn: What is one 5–10% courage action you could take this week?
If you would like some extra accountability, reply and tell me what you chose. Better yet, let me know once you have done it.
That client I mentioned at the start, the one who rated herself a 3 while others rated her a 7? The gap wasn’t proof she lacked confidence. It was proof of how confidence actually works: you can feel like a 3 in your own head and still take an action like a 7 in the room.
Maya Angelou put it this way, after writing eleven books: “I have written 11 books, but each time I think, uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.”
Eleven books wasn't enough to quiet that voice for her. Don't allow that inner critic or imposter to stop you either.
See you next week!
With care and appreciation for your inner work,
Lucie,
Founder and fellow practitioner at MindFittery
MindFittery: Mental and Emotional Fitness Gym for Leaders
P.S. Speaking of accountability, I facilitate a weekly Inner Fitness Circle, where we practice the skills needed to lead ourselves and others. Mental and emotional fitness is a lifelong practice, just like physical fitness. Would you like to join a sample circle as my guest? Reply to this email and I’ll send you the details.
And, here is less than one minute bonus inspiration video for those of us who struggle with procrastination and perfectionism.
Check out this clip from an interview with Tina Englisch, a former athlete turned coach. Ready or not, today is a day in your life. And it is not about making it perfect, but about participating.
Clip is from the Art & Science of Difficult Conversations podcast. Enjoy!
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